It seems like we hear a lot about “Love Yourself” lately. This is because your relationship with yourself is essential to any wellness journey. Although celebrities and influencers all preach self-love, very few offer guidance on how to do it. It can be overwhelming for someone who struggles with self-love to have no guidance or processes.

I use these five tools as a Wellness Coach to help my clients improve their relationship with themselves.

What is SELF-LOVE?

Although self-love may seem abstract enough for science to consider, Dr. Deborah Khoshaba summarizes it well:

Self-love…is an appreciation of oneself that is based on actions that support our spiritual, psychological, and physical growth. Self-love can be dynamic.

Dr. Khoshaba says self-love doesn’t have to be something you can check, but rather a process you continue to improve upon. It encompasses all of you, including learning to accept the less-positive parts, accepting your mistakes, and seeking out well-being. Self-love is also an aspect of her definition. Like yoga or meditation, you can grow by engaging with the principals repeatedly.

As with other aspects of the wellness journeys, self-love takes time and cannot be achieved overnight. You can use these common tools to help you along your self-love journey.


These are five steps to help you guide your self-love and as a coach for your clients.

Step 1: Mindfulness

It is only possible to change something that you are aware of. Mindfulness is a key component of self-love. It can be difficult to recognize when you are harsh, critical, dismissive or cruel to yourself. However, it is necessary to learn how to love yourself. Becoming aware of your patterns can help you see underlying beliefs that may prevent you from loving yourself.

One example of my own life is that I have an inner habit of calling myself a “moron” when I make small mistakes. But mistakes are part of life and do not make me less capable or intelligent. It was important to be aware of this habit in order to change it.

Step 2: Self-Care

We love something and take care of it. You can think of your children, pets, plants, and homes as examples. It might not be obvious, but caring for something builds love and responsibility. It’s time for self-care to be stepped up if you are struggling with self-love. Self-care that is meaningful and effective focuses on your fundamental needs as a person.

For a moment, imagine that you are an adult responsible for looking after the child version of yourself. What do little-kids-you require? You probably know what safety, nutrition, water, and food need. Some needs need to be more obvious. Comfort and understanding, running and climbing trees, and someone to help make sense of the world when you feel confused, fun, learning, and growing, are just a few examples.

We all have the same basic needs to thrive, just like our younger selves. Self-care is the foundation for self-love.

Step 3: Create a sense of safety

Safety is an essential need. However, safety can also be a foundational need. You can feel safe but not feel safe. It is important to keep something loved safe. It is not only physical, but also psychologically, emotionally and socially. Fear, anxiety, and unintegrated trauma all indicate a lack of safety.

You may be more conscious of people and situations that don’t make you feel well or put your wellbeing first. We advocate for physical, emotional, and psychological safety.

Intoxicating relationships can become unbearable and boundaries are essential. People and circumstances who take advantage of you are unacceptable because they hurt something that you love.

Step 4: Nurture Your Self-Respect

There are many aspects to what constitute a “self.” Here are some examples of who we are with our families, friends, and on dates. There are many expressions of the same person. Self-love is about focusing on who you are, not what responsibilities you have to fulfill.

We all have roles that we play in our lives. These identities are not the only ones that define who we are. What other people think of our hobbies, interests, goals, and dreams is not what drives them.

We often lose sight of what was once our passion, purpose, or meaning when we get caught up in our daily lives. As you practice self-love more often, these actions will become anchors to the person we love.

What self-affirming hobbies, passions, hobbies or activities are you currently engaged in?

If you aren’t sure, what could you do to reconnect with yourself now?

What was your favorite thing about being 5 years old?

What were you telling yourself when you were 15, what did you do?

Are you still unsure? You still need to figure it out?

Is there anyone who is willing to help you in your exploration? Find a club or meetup to learn more about the topic that interests you. You’ll find low-cost courses that will teach you the basics of your topic and help you decide if it is something you really enjoy in a world full of content creators.

Step 5: Apply what you have learned to your life.

Although Step 5 is the name of this step, it applies to all. It’s important to take the time to learn and to integrate the lessons learned. Then, we can apply the learnings to our lives. Coaching can also help you reflect and process your learnings as you grow.

Regular journaling, meditation, or routine download conversations with trusted friends are ways to review what you’ve been doing, learn from any mistakes, and decide how to move on.

Everybody has had a plant that overwatered or over-trimmed. Recognizing when you have reached a good place is an important part of any self love or wellness journey. Then, learning to appreciate the results of your self-work. You can also see when you have built the life that you desire and allow yourself to love it.

You can find more information on our NASM Certified Wellbeing Coach course.


Self-love does not mean that you will feel happy or fulfilled. You’ll gain valuable skills for learning and growing through practice. This will make you more resilient when faced with challenges.

You may encounter beliefs that can be painful or triggering through mindfulness and self-awareness. A therapist can help you overcome trauma and mental health issues and grow love for yourself.